The Last Few Months

The beginning of my anime clothing collection featuring my Mob Psycho 100 tee that I got from Etsy.

October was Filipino American History Month. It was the first time I really recognized it and really tried learning about Filipino American history. Taking the time to learn about those who came before me and my family was eye-opening (much like many things this year). Beyond my own experiences, I discovered that there were a lot of layers that needed to be unpacked. 

When it came to identity, I always just thought of myself culturally as Filipino- even when I became an American citizen and by that point, I'd been living in the US for most of my life. Identity is something I've tried to discover for myself for years. As a first-generation immigrant, I've never really felt like I "belonged" anywhere and I would be lying if I said that I fully feel like I "belonged" anywhere now, even when I connect with others on their own Fil-Am experience. 

Many in Filipino American communities are beginning to recognize that the Fil-Am experience goes beyond the great food and Pinoy gatherings. Those who identify as Fil-Am are challenging unhealthy social standards, acting to remove stigmas concerning mental health, and addressing colorism. I know I'm very fortunate to live during a time when social norms are evolving and the systems around me are becoming more inclusive, with more and more people becoming fluid in the way they receive the world around them. I think it's beautiful and I feel so fortunate.

Left to Right: A photo of me during biochem lab during my senior year at college, Dallas during a day I was doing a photoshoot with one of my best friends, becoming a Filipino American family.

November was a mess. The presidential election really had me trapped in anxiousness, but I knew I needed to keep up. So, I did. How am I doing now? Relieved but still concerned [nervous laughter]. November was the month that challenged peoples' values and relationships. It revealed a lot about the people we thought we knew. It was the month I really had to push myself to think objectively. The way people looked at the world around them continued to change for the better, or so I hoped that was the case. Disappointments still laid themselves out in the month of November. Filming took another halt for me as covid cases began to spike again but I remained hoping for the best.

October was when I learned that I didn't like cancel culture but November really challenged that. People can be so unchanging and horrible to others. So I pretty much spent November irritated. But this time I really allowed myself to just sit in those emotions to push myself to keep asking 'why'.

December, the month I decided to give my own boundaries as much validity as I do others'. I've been so busy building others up this season that I've abandoned giving myself the same uplifting messages. So I think I'll just watch Pride and Prejudice (we stan the 2005 adaptation here) for the billionth time to remind myself that my happiness matters too. To my empaths whose calling is to serve those around them, it's okay to rest.

I pray that things begin to really look up for people this season. And I'm hoping you find peace, love, and inspiration to chase life and to chase your dreams once more before the new year arrives.

Always with love,

Marr

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Holiday vibes from home over the years.

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P.S. I don't think I've ever unfollowed, blocked, or muted so many people on my social media before (thank goodness for Instagram's Close Friends feature). After years of having it and thousands of tweets later spanning from high school, I even deleted my Twitter because I just didn't like what I was projecting into my life from it. But I'll probably be back. The comment sections on there just HIT.

Oh! And I deleted my old Facebook too. Thank goodness.

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